July 12th/13th – TOMMY LAMA

THIS WEEK’S HEADLINER – TOMMY LAMA!

MASTER HEALER TOMMY LAMA was born into harsh circumstances that would have doomed a lesser man. Tommy grew up in Brooklyn, a traditional community where people help people beat up other people. A place rich in cultures – mostly salmonella. 

Tommy worked as a pest control technician while putting himself through law school until, a fateful evening he accidentally inhaled pesticide while trapped in a collapsing basement of a mini-mart. An event which changed his perspective and brain chemistry. As Tommy snapped into consciousness, he interpreted this event as a message from the universe to cleanse his Karma in order to make it into the next life. Fueled by his desire to make a difference, Tommy enlisted in the U.S.M.C summer program, where he was denied a purple heart despite nearly dying of exhaustion while still in boot camp.  

Undeterred by his failure, he began a lifelong vision quest and found himself by traveling to the four corners of Google Earth. It was on this journey ​that ​he began using his powers for good. He took on the name given to him by his teacher, the great Maharaji Yamaha Suzuki Toyota, the Tommy ​Lama. After disseminating his message in comedy clubs, he became the back-to-​back winner of the Boston and Seattle comedy competitions, appeared on the Bob and Tom Show, National Lampoon’s Man Up Stand Up, and in commercials for Adidas, Monster.com and Lowe’s.

A session with Tommy will change your life. Hate your job? I can show you how to get fired. Need to quit smoking? I will help you find an addiction better suited to your horoscope. Inadequate lover? I will help provide your wife with what she requires.

I have a long list of celebrity clients whose identities I cannot disclose (including Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and Lindsay Lohan.)  

Now is your turn to join their ranks.

Namaste.

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